it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
