Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
