While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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