Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
