Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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