I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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