cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
