yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
