If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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