Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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