Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I just blew my weed a kiss
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
