you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
