There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
