HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
