He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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