my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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