haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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