Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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