I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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