I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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