If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm jealous of your bromance
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
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Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
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I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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