I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
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