Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
