he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
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