The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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