Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
