I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
