She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
ok first of all what the fuck
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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