The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
