So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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