but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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