I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
