Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
