My girlfriend figured out who you are.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
