I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
