I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
