yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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