I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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