Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
