I am midnight drunk by noon
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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