you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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