What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
