in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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