I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
