the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I party with great urgency now.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
