I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
