That's intense
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
