So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
