Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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