I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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