I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Randomize
