She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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