I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
