I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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