help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
