Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
