if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
This baby is an asshole
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
