you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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