Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
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