my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
